Roger L. Deen
Running Start
(Is Jogging Really Good For You? Ask Any Body.)
by
Roger L. Deen
Before jogging became such a rage, you could deal easily with jogging snobs -- you just avoided them. But now they are everywhere; they have literally overrun the country. In every neighborhood, park and vacant field; at all times of the day or night, in all sorts of disagreeable weather, you see them plodding along with that air of detached superiority that makes you vow guiltily to shed a couple of pounds.
Here, for those who have secretly envied jogging junkies, who have read the books and articles extolling the joys and benefits of running, who have promised themselves they are going to try it first thing tomorrow, is what jogging is really like. The following is based on eighteen months of personal research, in which I tried mightily (and vainly) to discover some secret that would transform what is essentially a dull, boring, painful activity into something pleasurable. It represents the typical beginning of a jogger's day. If there is any fun in it, I failed to find it.
In a darkened bedroom an alarm sounds
MIND: Huh? What? Oh.
Body extends a groping hand, silences the alarm, then turns over and snuggles contentedly back into the pillow
MIND: Hey, Body, you awake?
Silence
MIND: Bod?
BODY: Mumpf.
MIND: Let's go. Time to get up.
Another long silence
MIND: Body?
BODY (exasperated): What?
MIND: Move it!
BODY (stirring): Go away. (An eye opens and immediately slams shut again.) Are you crazy? It's still dark! What time is it?
MIND: It's six minutes past five.
BODY: Good lord!
MIND: Come on, let's go. We've got to go running this morning.
BODY: Why?
MIND: Because it's good for us. Think how great you'll feel after it's over.
BODY: Ha!
MIND: Come on, let's go.
BODY (turning over and pulling the blanket securely up beneath the chin): I'm feeling a little puny this morning. You go on without me.
MIND: I said GET UP!
BODY: Awright, Awright, you -- (mumbles something obviously derogatory)
Listlessly, eyes still closed, Body assumes a slumped sitting posture on the bedside. He remains like this for a long time without moving.
MIND: Are you still awake?
No answer. Body starts falling slowly backward onto the bed.
MIND: No you don't! On your feet!
Groaning pitifully, Body stands and staggers uncertainly in the direction of the bathroom.
BODY: Ow! What the... What happened?
MIND: You ran into the bathroom door. It's closed. If you'd open your eyes, you'd know that.
BODY (limping back toward the bed): Listen, I really hurt myself. I can't run now. I might damage something perman--
MIND: Forget it! You're not hurt. That's only a small bump on the forehead, and we don't run with our forehead.
BODY: Oh yeah? What about the toe? The toe hit the door too, you know. And it feels like it could be broken. Tell him, Toe.
LEFT BIG TOE: Yeah, boss, I think I hurt pretty bad. Maybe we should see a doctor or something.
MIND: Okay, listen up everybody. I'm sick of the whining and bellyaching every morning. We will jog this morning. We will not return to bed, and we will not have breakfast until the roadwork is finished. Is that clear?
Grumbling noises issue from various parts of the body.
Outside, a few minutes later, the jogging begins.
RIGHT CALF: Ow! Ow! Ow! That hurts. I think I've pulled something.
LEFT KNEE: Hey, take it easy. Remember my ski injury.
LEFT ANKLE: How about me? I was hurt worse in that ski accident than you were.
LEFT KNEE: Sit on it.
MIND: All right, you guys, knock it off.
After the first quarter mile:
HEART (peevishly): Will someone please tell me what is going on?
MIND: It's about time you woke up. It's a beautiful morning, and we're jogging.
HEART: Not again?
BODY: Yeah, ain't this the pits?
HEART: How far are we going this time?
MIND: Never mind. You just keep pumping.
After the first mile:
BODY: OK, that's a mile. Let's knock off and go have breakfast.
MIND: Keep running.
BODY: But I'm starving. I'm so hungry I've got the shakes. I'll never last another mile.
MIND: Well, just do the best you can. If you get too desperate, try consuming some of that roll around your middle. There's enough fuel there for several marathons.
BODY: I don't want that stuff. I want eggs and bacon and toast and butter and honey and...
MIND: Oh, shut up.
After a mile-and-a-half:
MIND: Hey, everybody, here comes another jogger.
BODY: Well, whoopee; just whoopee.
MIND: It looks like a girl. Let's just straighten up and look sharp as we pass. Stomach, suck it up; legs, pick up the pace a little.
LEGS: Are you kidding? We're about to collapse, and you want to go faster?
MIND: Get with it. Here she comes.
BODY: Nice stride.
YOUNG WOMAN (smiling): Good morning.
MIND and BODY: Good morning.
The young woman passes.
BODY: Nice stride.
MIND: You can say that again...Hey! What's going on? Who told you to stop? Let's get back to business.
After two miles:
BODY: How about a break? Let's walk a ways.
MIND: Keep running.
BODY: Walking is good exercise, too.
MIND: Keep running.
HEART: Are you aware that you could be causing some real damage?
LEFT BIG TOE: Yeah. I told you I was hurt on that door. I think I may be swelling and getting numb.
RIGHT BIG TOE: What makes you so special? I'm just as numb as you.
LEFT BIG TOE: Stuff it.
MIND: Cut the bickering, you two. Left Leg, why are you dogging it? Right Leg is doing most of the work.
RIGHT LEG: Yeah!
LEFT LEG: Dogging it? You're a fine one to talk. What exactly do you do besides sit up there and give orders? And who appointed you boss anyway? I think we should have a meeting and elect a new boss.
A chorus of "yeahs" echoes throughout the body.
MIND: This is not a democracy. My function is to lead; I'm the only one suited for it. Your function is to obey orders, and right now the order is for all to step up the pace a little.
BODY: No.
MIND: What?
BODY: I said no. I'm not working any harder than this.
MIND: Okay, everybody, I was just going to stop after three miles, but just for that childish bit of insubordination, we're going to do an extra mile this morning.
RIGHT FOOT: Boo!
LEFT KNEE: Hiss!
HEART: Fascist!
RIGHT LEG: Shut up, you guys, or he'll make us do five miles.
MIND: Good advice.
After three miles:
ARMS: How much farther? We're getting tired.
LEGS: Tired? What the heck are you doing to get tired? We're doing all the work.
ARMS: We suppose you think it's easy to just hang here in the same position all the time. Try it sometime, and you'll see how tough it is.
LEGS: Pansies.
MIND: Knock it off, all of you. If you spent half as much energy running as you do griping, we'd be finished by now.
BODY: How much farther?
MIND: Only one more mile.
BODY (groaning): "Only," he says.
Back home after four miles:
BODY: Hey, that was fun! I feel great!
HEART: It was exhilarating, wasn't it? I thought we all performed quite well.
LEFT LEG: I wasn't even tired. I could have gone around again.
RIGHT FOOT: Me too.
BODY: No sweat at all. Tomorrow, let's do five miles.
LEFT FOOT: Or maybe even six.
RIGHT KNEE: Yeah!
BODY: But now, let's hit the shower and go have breakfast. We deserve it.
There is a chorus of "yeahs."
MIND (sighing): You guys go on without me -- I'm exhausted.
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