Guppie Defined

 

The word Guppie is an acronym for Grossly Under-Performing Person. I use it to describe the majority of the people who work on what I call the corporate reef (see In Search of a Metaphor elsewhere). A formal definition is difficult to construct because of the diversity of the workforce, but the following list of Guppie characteristics gives a general introduction to the species.

• Guppies can be male or female, young or old.
• Given a choice, Guppies prefer to take a nap (see The Art of Napping).
• While ambitious members of the corporate community dress to win, the Guppie dresses to break even. Corporate dress codes are a nuisance for the Guppie, who usually manages to dress right on the line of corporate acceptability. Comfort and convenience are the driving forces in the Guppie's wardrobe selections. To draw a military analogy, if the corporate achievers can be thought of as wearing full dress blues, the Guppie wears the corporate equivalent of camouflaged fatigues. Unlike the power-dressers, the Guppie dresses to blend in, to disappear in the crowd.
• The Guppie's short-term career goal is to get by until quitting time.
• The Guppie's medium-term career goal is to last until Friday.
• The Guppie's long-term career goal is to stay employed until something comes along. He isn't sure what it is that he is waiting for, but he has a vague sense that salvation is on the way. It may be a feeling that some forgotten rich relative will surely remember him in his will, or that Publisher's Clearing House will call at any moment. The Guppie plots winning lottery strategies and dreams of economic freedom. It is this unfounded belief in imminent rescue that keeps him sane. He doesn't want to advance in the company, and he certainly doesn't want more responsibility. The Guppie does what he has to do to get by until relief arrives.
• The Guppie brings a power lunch in a brown paper bag, or dines at the nearest 7-Eleven store.
• The Guppie wakes each morning thinking about what he will do after work.
• Guppies are generally smarter than the people for whom they work, but they go to considerable trouble to keep it a secret. To appear too smart could result in one of two equally undesirable outcomes: Either the boss will be offended, in which case the Guppie's job will be in jeopardy, or somebody will be so impressed that the Guppie will be promoted to a position of responsibility. These are both undesirable possibilities from the Guppie's viewpoint. The Guppie is without corporate ambition, and likes the status quo.
• Guppies are exceptions to the well-known Peter Principle that states people rise to their level of incompetence. The Guppie lowers his or her level of competence to match the job.
• Guppies usually see clearer than the bosses. They always know what is wrong in their working group, and they usually know how to fix it, but they never volunteer, and nobody ever asks for their suggestions.
• The Guppie is not a true believer in the benevolence of the corporation. This is the single most important defining characteristic of Guppies. They feel no overwhelming sense of gratitude to the corporations for giving them a job.